| The author makes a huge effort to force her point of view on non-monogamy when she questions how “screwing other people” can contribute to the sanctity of love. Her litany of examples is designed to make non-monogamy sound callous and dirty, and, again, all about sex. Removing the sexual mud-slinging, the sanctity-of-love argument stems from a fear that love is scarce and limited; that love and intimacy with one lover must necessarily take away love, or the quality of love, from another lover. If you’re monogamous, that makes intuitive sense; but when you examine the feelings behind that intuition, it’s not LOVE that is being diminished. It’s actually the risk of “dirtying” the comfort of love with other threatening feelings. The threat is emotions of fear (jealousy, envy, challenge to self-worth, etc) that seem to take away from the purity of love. This is understandable, but fear needs to be exposed for what it is, not mixed with the love somehow.Read more at www.care2.com |
Interview with Dossie Easton. | It comes up at parties. It’s frequently referenced in alternative lifestyle 101 classes. It has changed countless lives, saved numerous relationships and ignited new ones. What resource do we speak of? None other than the groundbreaking book The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. Published in 1997, The Ethical Slut gave language to a practice that many people had been participating in, some blindly, for generations—polyamory. The Ethical Slut is a guidebook to what consensual, ethical, non-monogamy can be, and outlines how to do it in a logical, practical way. Needless to say, when the new edition of the book came out this past year many people were ecstatic, but nowhere near as ecstatic as we were when Easton agreed to participate in a virtual interview with the Alibi. She found some time on a trip to Europe to answer a few questions.Read more at alibi.com |
Interesting reading material. | Many people find the journey from a closed to a sexually open lifestyle scary, according to Dossie Easton, coauthor with Janet Hardy of 2009’s The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures, a book many consider the poly bible (the first edition came out in 1997). “Most of us will have to deal with challenging emotional responses to new experiences as we move into more openness in our relationships, and work to find ease and security beyond guarantees of love based on sexual exclusivity,” says Easton, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco who made a conscious decision 40 years ago never to be monogamous again. The benefits, she says, include the freedom to engage in relationships that are not about life partnerships but may provide different perspectives, adventures in sexuality, and new connections with many people. Read more at www.boston.com |
The culture of the traditional family is now in intense competition with
a very different culture. The defining difference between the two is the sexual
ideal each embraces. The traditional family of Western civilization is based
on lifelong monogamy. The competing culture is “polyamorous,” normally
a serial polygamy, but also increasingly polymorphous in its different sexual
expressions. |
I hope there is elegance in the simple distinction between the ideals that
distinguish the two cultures: monogamy and polymorphous serial polygamy, or “polyamory” for
short. |
In all of human history, the culture of monogamy has never encountered the
type of competition it faces now. We must engage. We can wait no longer; we
need men of courage and energy. We are looking for the first few. |
| Whilst polyamory is an interesting concept, and no doubt works for some people. (The creator of Wonder Woman lived in a polyamorous relationship with two women, who continued to live together after his death,) it’s not for everyone and it’s not a solution to infidelity. Why? Because if anything, polyamory requires being more trustworthy and more honest with your partners that monoamory does. When you’re in a traditional relationship, the rules are simple. You don’t go outside the relationship, if you do, you are a lying little cheat. When you’re in a more open relationship, then you have to be able to trust that your partner is acting within the bounds you set up whilst he or she is out and about spreading his or her love around. For this reason, most open relationships have plenty of rules and safeguards set in place to try and keep the people in them safe. Read more at www.sodahead.com |
Monogamy is under siege. But not from uncloseted polyamorists, adolescent ”hook-up” advocates, radical feminists, godless communists or some vast homosexual conspiracy. The culprit is our own biology. |
Researchers in animal behaviour have long known that monogamy is uncommon in the natural world, but only with the advent of DNA ”fingerprinting” have we come to appreciate how truly rare it is. Genetic testing has recently shown that even among many bird species - long touted as the epitome of monogamous fidelity - it is not uncommon for 6 per cent to 60 per cent to be fathered by someone other than the mother’s social partner. We now know scientifically that social monogamy does not necessarily imply sexual monogamy. |
In Heartburn, the lead character complains about her husband’s philandering and gets this response: ”You want monogamy? Marry a swan!” But that wouldn’t do the trick. Scientists have found that even swans play around. Read more at www.smh.com.au |
As Brooke points out, we are too concerned with what other people think of us. I think some people worry that, if we all did whatever we wanted to do, there would be anarchy. But if we do what feels right to us in a conscious, authentic way, I think following our hearts is a far healthier way to live than the affairs, lies and pretending we do at present in our society. Are affairs healthier than polyamory? I don’t think so. Is pretending to be straight rather than gay, through fear of others opinions, a better way to live than being who you really are? Again, I don’t think so. We’re all different. We need to learn to get in touch with and love who we really are, including our unique preferences and desires. Read more at reachourdreams.com |
Still, something seems missing from the open marriage argument. My take on it is, more than providing an outlet to find new partners, it may be better seen as a way to keep from losing old ones. This is something I rarely hear mentioned, the tragedy that in our culture of serial monogamy, we leave old partners… those with whom we spent so many years, however haplessly, trying to find some love and meaning. |
The other thing I miss in writings about open relationships is an emphasis on how we can care about and care for those we love, whether they be one or more. Once the numbers issue is settled in anyone’s mind, we are still back to square one: how can we actually connect with the heart of another person. Read more at diaryofajohn.blogspot.com |
I don’t get the link between polyamory and cheating. In polyamory all involved are in the know, that’s the entire point. Monogamy almost seems to be a thing of the past and cheating is the new lifestyle when those who are not interested in infidelity are looked at like they’re odd and somehow need to get with the program. |
There was a time when people would straight up lie about being in a relationship, thinking that if they admit to having someone, potential new mates might be scared off. |
Now, many people are openly willing to having sexual relations with someone who is already taken. Because of it, alternative lifestyles such as polyamory (more than one partner /relationship at a time), polygamy, and swinging have become popular. |
Such lifestyles can be disrespectful and a turn-off to some and cause hurt and betrayal to those unknowingly involved. Many families’ and peoples’ lives and careers have been destroyed by infidelity in relationships, such as in David Letterman’s case, as well as other public figures in the media. Read more at www.gsusignal.com |
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